Cop tries to be hero and enters through dog door to catch burglar, gets bit in the ass by another police dog

A normal neighborhood

Hammertime police were called to a break and enter on Baron Street East, a known crack house and prostitution area. The area is full of certified massage parlors, given licenses by the city since they're the most popular customers. 

One Barbershop cuts hair in the front, but in the back leading to the basement side, a series of massage tables with leaky shower stalls are waiting for men to sneak in the back and have a good time. Police hardly pay attention to these areas. After all, your job is to get money for protection. I think they call that Racketeering in some countries, or here some call it business as usual.

Police were scanning the area for a suspect with unknown features. "It could be an alien for all you know", as one resident put it. She just finished watching the TV series Falling Skies in her living room. After all, Season 1 of the series was filmed in the area.

As officer Yankem approached one house creeping slowly, he noticed a silhouette of two men in the window. One man was holding a stick next to the other man's crotch. The officer paused for a moment, thinking there maybe a second suspect and that they're playing a game of hide-and-go-seek inside. Without hesitation, the police officer noticed a dog door by means to use as an entry point, and approached the door, in a Splinter Cell type fashion. The K9 unit was already dispatched, and Rex the K9 Dog, was hungry for bacon.

Head too big, must back out.

The officer stuck his roasted size head in the door, getting a good glimpse of the two men. It appeared that the two men were arguing about what kind of cleaner to use for the floor. One was talking about Mr.Clean, the other one Spic n Span. The stick was from the mop of the broom. Now understanding that this isn't the house he wants, he tries to reverse his entry as the officer's pork roasted head was stuck. There was no way getting out of this one unless someone had a half pound of butter. This was the least problem for the officer.

Rex the Police K9 got a good glimpse of food straight ahead. You've heard of fast food, now this is faster than a McDonald's drive thru. A pound and a half of lard from a distance looks appetizing, and it's not even wrapped up in a bag. The dog, not being able to distinguish that the man he is about to bite in the ass is another police officer, lunged his front teeth forward at the officer's ass. The officer howled like a wolf like in a symphony orchestra.

Excuse me, while I have some ass biting to do.

Officer Yankem required 20 stitches. Those will be a lot of stitches to yank out once the officer makes a full recover. No pun intended. 

As for the suspect, he still remains at large. Is he stealing something else next? City Councillors stolen property? Someone's stash? Tax Payers money? This sounds like a case for Batman! If only Batman existed in real life... 

Annual Donut Fight Kicks Off Thru The Timmies DriveThru

I'm on a diet. It's the high intake one...

It's a slobber knocker as they call it as The Hammer's famous Donut shop gets ready for the annual Donut Fighting Contest. They're no rules, except you cannot bring your own hockey sticks with you. Eh.

10AM passes as Sergeant Steve Blow gets ready to go through the drive-thru window every morning for the past 10 years as he is too lazy to get out of his patrol vehicle and go into the shop by himself. That would initiate his gun to be withdrawn and fire off a few rounds. It's all show folks as they the police force like to say.

"Double Double Double please, with extra extra cream", for the 300 pounds police officer. He reaches slightly in the drive thru window to get his coffee and one lightly glazed dount for now.... A bulging sound is heard as his seat belt expands and stretches to maximum elasticity. "Thank You Very Much", says the Police Officer. Just as about he is about to put the rented Police car into full throttle, a donut traveling 35km with cinnamon coming off it's sides hits the officer straight in his face in a spiral direction. The officer who  managed to catch it in his mouth grabs some 4 day old donuts under a bag of clothes and shoots one back thru the window hitting the assailant straight in the head knocking them out cold. "Great Shot", said the drive-thru menu taker. Call the paramedics said the officer, it's a cover up.

And things were just so peaceful moments ago...

Bob, a senior citizen grabs a donut from his box, and aims it directly towards an oncoming scooter going 5kM per hour. "Direct Hit", said Bob who is suffering from degenerate bone loss. The scooter managed to swirl but landed on it's side knocking down the 240 pound man off of the scooter. 

Miss Whiskey who had just received her welfare cheque bought a box of Timmiebits, had launched 20 in a home made like cannon. Firing off rounds at a time. Participants described her as "Rambo with Donuts".

Fresh Donuts Prepared for the Annual Donut Fight

City Counselor Sam Moonshine described the event as enriching, and to let the steam out of people. "After all, we'd rather have people shoot donuts than with real guns. This isn't Baron Street you know", said the counselor.

So who pays for all of the wasted donuts if you might wonder? Spokesperson for Timmies Tim White said that with minimum wage going up due to Kathleen Wynnn's doing, why not spend the extra money on donuts as well? It does good for the community, and all of the donations will go to The Baron Street Jail. What will the jail do with the money? Probably use it to buy drugs for inmates who then resell it back to the public. It's a win win situation said Tim White. We say you can say that again Tim!

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Man in The Hammer Wants Higher Electricity Rates - His Neighbor Luigi Think He's Nuts

We're gearing up for the annual donut food fight contest in the Hammer Town which will happen in a few weeks. Stay tuned for more information and find out which undercover police officer will show up. On duty of course.

I pay for high hydro rates, do you?

Mike Boxers has a clear message for everyone. He wants to pay more money for electricity because he feels people aren't paying enough. The 42 year old plumber with a 4 inch crack when fixing toilets bent over says he makes enough money to pay for electricity and doesn't understand why people are complaining about the extremely low prices. "You know it costs so much money to run those big turbines, and Niagara falls must cost a lot of money to operate daily, I think electricity is a luxury", said the Hammer Time man. A little history about Mike is that he has a severe debt problems with two financial intuitions, and has declared bankruptcy at least once. He also forgot to file his tax returns last year, and says that doesn't bother him. That money he owes will go towards his $230 dollar hydro bill every month.

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Hydro rates in the Hammer have steadily increased every year with HydroNone being the main supplier. The 2nd, the neighborhood hamster on a treadmill. People don't understand why this is happening after all, electricity has never changed since it was first discovered by Benjamin Franklin. Mr.Franklin would of probably electrocuted himself after find out what Canadians are paying in 2017.

The person responsible for this is Orville-Redenbacher's look alike sister. Members in the community have referred to her as the wicked witch of the Power Plant. For her mistakes over the years she has promised to lower electricity rates, and change minimal wages to $15 per hour. Forcing companies to hire less workers, and to replace those with outsourcing government programs like the work and travel program.

Watch movies in the dark, you can't afford hydro

Other people in the Hammer have voiced their opinion at city hall. Luigi from Milan Italy has been in Canada for less than a year and referred to the hydro rates as extortion from something higher above than the Mafia. Luigi says at least with the mafia they come with baseball bats, with these guys you get an envelope every month with higher rates. They give you no warning what-so-ever. If you don't pay, they shut off your electricity. That's worse than murder.

Luigi called Mr.Boxers a fool, and a selfish man. Luigi says a lot of people can't decide whether to buy food or pay their electricity bill. He said at least in Italy, you can make your own garden. Here you have some ****head who can make one complaint to the city, and they can shut you down faster than a Windows 95 shut down on a fresh install.

** NOTE: The city has started spying on residents using Google Maps to see if they have altered their property without a permit. If they find a violation two Avro Lancaster bomber's can drop a bomb using pinpoint location at any moment.

One Man in The Hammer Believes Carbon Tax Is The Way To Go

Harvey Bull, short for Bullkrap, has lived in the Hammer for most of his life. Since becoming an organic buff two years ago, Harvey has decided to go green.

"I take the bus all the time, and believe the only way to get people to use the bus is to increase gasoline prices. People are genetically lazy, and need to do more to save the environment because of global warming" said Harvey. 

Harvey has started a new community called "The Environmentally Safe Carbon Free World" in hopes to educate people to consume less, and to spend more on organizations which preach the same.

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Some key things that Harvey recommends it get your beloved animal to make energy for you. He says he has a hamster on a wheel, that when it spins, generates enough electricity to charge his phone.  He is also investing over $100,000 of his own money on solar panels and a mini-windmill. Enough to turn on his refrigerator in the day-time, but not at night. 

Harvey's animal saves the world.....

When he uses his treadmill, it powers on his television. When he gets off of it, the TV turns off too. If everyone wants to watch TV, someone has to do some exercises. Harvey has saved a whopping $5 off of his electricity bill, but in two weeks his bill will go up by double, even though he isn't using much. He congratulated the Liberal government on making people think twice before they consume.
Every summer it gets hot, every winter it gets cold. The cycle continues every year. Harvey thinks that one day we will see temperatures of minus 30, and things will start melting like ice-cream. He saw it on a X-Men cartoon episode.

I look cute.. no?

Even the Hammer police have done their fair to cut back on emissions. Instead of going thru the Timmie's Drive thru by car, Police are now ordered to park their car, and to go to the Drive-Thru on foot. Police on bicycles are exempt from this new rule.

When preparing food Harvey has said BBQ's should be banned from outside use. He said they give off as much carbon, as a big coal plant! Harvey does not cook meat, because he doesn't eat meat at all. He is a vegan and grows his own vegetables in his backyard. Although rabbits help themselves from time to time, even destroying a few crops. He says he won't do anything about it because it's mother nature's way of thinking for me. His Italian neighbor thinks otherwise, and put twenty mines in the field hoping the little bastard will step on it one day. That is the rabbit, and not Harvey.

Harvey hopes to be a role-model for his city and encourages taxes such as carbon tax to detour people and will think if they want to use high-luxury commodities like oil. After all, Harvey doesn't even use plastic shopping bags when grocery shopping!

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Man with clean-o-phobic disorder wins Human Rights Tribunal Case - The First in A Millennium

John's steakhouse is a top-notch steak house delivering the finest G-bone steaks only a man would want to buy. With their superb cleanliness, friendly environment, red carpet, bend over and will kiss your butt attitude, what else could go wrong?

In April of this year, a Human Rights Tribunal In the Hammer awarded a man $100,000 dollars. The plaintiff was a customer by the name of B.J, did not have his request made because of his cleanophobic compulsive disorder. Judge Oliver Clothesoff ruled that the restaurant failed to comply with a basic request on behalf of the plaintiff which simply meant for the staff providing and making the food not to wash their hands. The owner of the restaurant made a statement saying that chefs and staff have to be clean at all times. "We don't want to risk of having our customers sick. If we get them sick like with e coli, that would get us in trouble with the health and safety department", said the owner.

The plaintiff  went to great lengths to see who came in and out of the restroom, if it was a customer, or a staff member. He even tried to follow one of the staff to the back where it clearly says "authorized personnel only", just to see if they were making his food.

What would the Swedish chef say?

When his food was served, the plaintiff asked the waiter when was the last time he washed his hands. The waiter replied "five minutes ago". The plaintiff got up furiously, and shoved the plate straight back to the waiter, and demanded new food with dirty hands. 

Twenty minutes later the waiter came back this time with smelly fingers. Other customers looked on covering their noses. The plaintiff then asked the waiter if the person who prepared the food had just washed his hands? The waiter replied "Yes, of course". The plaintiff then stormed of the restaurant warning other patrons not to wash their hands again!!

Don't tease the sleaze!

The owner admitted that they have a bad order spray to get patrons to leave if they stay too long. This is only done in severe situations when there is a high volume of customers. The owner sprayed the spray on the waiter's hands and fingers so they would smell like something from the toilet. 

The court argued that the smell itself was not enough to detour customers because the defendant said nobody else had left the restaurant. Therefor, with such a mild nuisance, the plaintiff failed to provide adequate means of service in which the plaintiff had requested.

Now the owner is looking to the future and hiring staff who pick their nose and scratch their ass in the kitchen area. "I am specifically looking for people who are unhygienic during the interview process", said the owner of the steak house. "If I see them do some pretty bad things like floss their teeth while waiting, I hire them on the spot", he said. 

As for the health department, Judge Oliver Clothesoff made a special ruling that the health department cannot discriminate against a restaurant to provide necessary needs as an establishment which does not break Human Right Laws. The judge further commented that we need more work, so he expects more cases to the brought up before the courts.

The steakhouse will appeal the ruling coming up next month

Grow-Up raid turns out to be an oregano inside farm

A quiet neighborhood with snow on the roofs.

Cathy Butcher is just an average resident of Finney Street. During the winter, she sometimes hires a contractor to remove her snow if it's too much for her and her husband who is on disability. One thing that kept Cathy wondering was why one house always had little to know snow on their roof. She said "All of the other houses have a lot of snow on their roof, which makes sense after a heavy snowfall. This house I see has not even an icicle. I wonder what they do in the summer time, fry bacon on the roof, or put a patio up on their roof while sipping on their Timmies?"

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The mystery is now over after the Vice City Unit raided the complex after residents like Cathy started complaining about the strong smell from their neighbors. Police found 20 oregano plants inside, a street value worth of over $50. All plants were photographed, tagged, and brought in, however no charges have been laid yet. Police Chief Mike Crotch said "Unfortunately with our limited budget, we were hoping that this bust would pay for some of the expenses. We spent over 1 million dollars on thermal visioning, patrolling the neighborhoods hoping the catch more grow-ups. Illegal ones that is"

Police raid the suspected grow-up

Residents are now angry after finding out the reckless spending of the city for needless equipment purchases. This comes to light after news the city was installing a water slide on top of the escarpment. 

One resident even thought about knocking on the door and asking if he was making spaghetti... The resident who did not want to be named thought about bringing a plate with him in return for a 6-pack of beer.

The owner of the raided house is short time resident Luigi from Milan Italy. Luigi said he tried putting a garden in his backyard, but rabbits started eating all of his cabbage. He stayed up sleepless nights waiting for rabbits, even buying a stun gun just-in case the rabbit showed up. To no avail, Luigi moved his garden in the basement planting oregano, tomatoes and cucumbers. In a phone interview he said, "I lay down for naps on the grass in the afternoon, the ambulance comes and gives me a $240 fine. I can't take my own snacks to a movie theater, and I can't even grow a fucking garden without being raided. It's just oregano man. Screw this stupid country. Your prime minister looks like a clown too", he said.

Rabbits destroy the garden

This isn't the first time for Police misconduct. Three months ago Police came to the Sundale Retirement Home after a complaint about a man holding up a plastic knife to other residents. The officer who arrived shot him in the chest saying he had just finished watching Police Academy 3 at the station before arriving on scene. Luckily the man who was shot survived after a steel dinner plate was found underneath his sweater.

The Hammer time tried to reach Police for comment, but were told to try after lunch. We tried asking after lunch, and they said to try after dinner. We tried after dinner, and they said try after dessert...

Will have more news once it follows.

New Pot Law Gives Senior Retirement Home Man Uncontrollable Dancing

Bill was just eating brownies at the Sundale Retirement Home in the hammer late last Sunday night when suddenly he felt the urge to start dancing. Other seniors in their stationary seats couldn't help but watch Bill get up and do the jiggies. Sue, who has been in the home for three decades couldn't believe her eyes. "He started just dancing like a crazy man on drugs. I couldn't even do that for a kazillion dollars", said Sue. 

Bill having the jiggies

Those brownies that Bill were eating weren't just brownies, they were Weed Brownies. Whoever made them knew what they were doing. They obviously wanted someone to have a reaction, and boy did they get one. The brownies were bought from a bakery called "The Munchies Bakery". Just two kilometers away from the home. Nobody knew what the name meant. Just something that will make you hungry for more.

Weed, which has been decriminalized in Canada ever since Justin Truturd became prime minister of Kanada believes the more people that will take drugs unwillingly, will result in people forgetting about their problems so that business in Parmesan Hill can run as usual. It's a Canadian thing. Timmies, hockey, and uncontrollable dancing at the senior center. 

Although with all of that dancing, things got worse once Bill started, he couldn't stop. It's like you're looking for the battery compartment to switch him off, but you can't find it. Just the stitches from surgery", said one of the staff members. One of the staff members ended up calling 911 in which paramedics arrived thirty minutes later. Police were also on scene as one staff sergeant sampled one of the brownies. He snuck out five as well. A gesture to his undercover doughnut days.

Police arrive to control the scene. 

No comment has been released by the Sundale Retirement Home, or the Police. Although one resident urged people to think twice before they eat something. They said you never know what will happen to you once you start. Like smoking!

UPDATE: Hammer Police caught dancing on the street. Will provide more information as it follows.

Making main street a two-way street causes havoc for the scooter community

Big Tony isn't your average guy. A man with quite an appetite. He gets up every morning to go to Timmies on his Scooter. Same double-double with a cream cheese bagel, twenty timbits, and half-dozen donuts. This has been the same diet for Tony for the last 20 years. 
Everyday is the same except for this day, city officials unanimously agreed to make main street a two-way street to increase traffic flow downtown. "How will we ever do our racing down the street with me and the other scooters? We need four lanes. I mean now will have to take-up the sidewalks and watch out for people so we don't accidentally hit them" said Tony. 

The scooters as they call themselves say they aren't hurting anyone. Even though they take up a lot of space weaving in and out of sidewalks, they say, as long as you're not a turtle on the street, you have enough time to move out of the way. Other's don't agree. Jay said he's almost been struck by a scooter, and says they don't belong on the street or on the sidewalks. "If they want to play on main street, it's too dangerous, THIS IS NOT MARIO KART. Go to a GO-KART track, or heck, use the bicycle lane, if only they could fit on it", says Jay.

Scooters to the rescue

City officials aren't really happy with "Scooters" either. They want them to have licenses since they go faster than a tricycle. The city is also looking on restrictions and penalties if Scooters go beyond 5kM/Hour. City Councilor which asked to keep his name anonymous said he has seen reports of one scooter going down the Sherman Access all being controlled by gravitational force . He said we can't have this type of behavior, this isn't a roller coaster ride. Although the city is looking at installing a water slide from the top of the escarpment for easier commute, safety is the number one priority.

City Concept of Water Slide Down Escarpment

A Light Transit Rail system is suppose to be installed within the next millennium. The city is also hoping that more scooters will use the new system instead of taking their hot pursuit to the streets. A Jamaican bob sled slide going from east to west will accompany the LRT system, along with the downward water slide from the escarpment top.

More news to follow in the coming weeks.

Luigi finally calls a place home....

After living in Milan Italy for over 25 years, Luigi has a new place he can call home. Luigi isn't your typical worker, the 40 year old from the industrial side of Italy enjoys food. He munches on Bruschetta, Focaccia Bread, Margherita Pizza, Pasta Con Pomodoro E Basilico, Mushroom Risotto, and lots of other things with tomatoes back in his home land. His mother, who stays in Italy, didn't want to come to Canada because of the coldness. "My mother thinks Canadians live on ice, and that they stay in Igloos. They also hunt moose and elk all season", Luigi said.

It is also apparent that Luigi's mother has to take care of her elder parents. Luigi's grand-parents are too old to travel to such a big country. They know how the health care system works in Italy. After hearing of how people have to wait for hours for a bed in Ontario, they couldn't imagine of how someone who really needs one could wait.

How do you get a Lamborghini through here?

After coming to Canada two months ago, how does Luigi adjust to Canadian life? "You know we're use to using our hands in expressing ourselves. If someone gives me the finger back home it means How's it going. Here I get it all the time, especially when I drive slowly. I guess people here are so curious, that given the chance, they want to get to know me better " says Luigi. 

We wanted to find out what were things that Luigi didn't like about the hammer. 

He said he didn't like not having afternoon naps during the middle of the day.

Luigi says "One time when working for the city, I was making sidewalks. I put the wheelbarrow to the side, and laid on the grass with my arms out. About 10 minutes later someone phoned 911, and reported a dying man on the ground. When they got there, I explained I was taking a nap and they gave me a $240 dollar bill. What kind of fucking country is this? I make money, then they take it all back."

What made Luigi even more madder were the lack of good quality Italian Restaurants in the hammer. He said "They have this pizza place, that pizza, place, this isn't food, it's something rats eat outside. When I heard San Remo is ran by two people, what will I do when they retire?  People have to retire one day. Who will take over? What if their kids don't want to take care of the business? I will have a heart attack. It's a disgrace children this days don't inherit their parent's business." But that doesn't stop Luigi, he hopes one day to take off his gloves and run for city. He said when you got people on scooters going down Main Street like Mario Kart faster than a Ferrari, then you know you got a problem, more stop signs are needed!

Luigi is a part-time contract worker for the City. He enjoys his daily Timmies, and espresso. If you'd like to meet Luigi, you can often see him working where there is sub-sub contracted work in the neighborhoods. Whatever you do, please do not honk your horn at him if you're driving.