Hammertime's King and Main Become Two Way Streets. A Colossal in the Making.

Bus Size Scooters No Longer Permitted!

Just when you think anything can happen, well it can. Bus size scooters the size of city buses are no longer permitted on King and Main which use to be one way streets. This means getting your double double at Tim's flying warp speed will be a thing of the past on these two roads; that's if you're driving a scooter. Hammertime's Scooter Community is up in arms by the move which city hall approved today. They say they feel discriminated against because of their size, and said the next time the city has a public forum, they will make sure that their voices will be heard. No doubt they will be seen physically if that's also what they meant.

Main Street Also Known As Scooter Road

We talked with some people on the streets today to get their opinion about the new law. Gary, who is part of the Hell's Angels Scooter Gang told us, "They don't make motorcycles for my size, so I feel left out. No more me going through the drive-thru on main, I'll have to finally go inside." 

Other respected citizens had more positive opinions saying it would be better for businesses and better for the new Light Speed Rail which has been in development for the last 20 years. It's expected to be in use in the next 50 to 100 years, depending on how much tax payer money is wasted. 

Also in the news, Hammertime is experimenting with free gym membership programs for those in need. No longer do you need to tag along with Richard Simmons on the tube. You can apply for your membership at your local welfare office. To qualify you must have never worked a day in your life.

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F TRUDEAU STICKER!!! 

Man Seen Riding A Lawn-Mower In The Middle of The Night At Local Timmies Drivethru

Police were sure as heck seeing a double double this night!

It's the weeeee hours of the night and the Donut Police are on standby as usual looking for something to do other than to waste tax payers money. One officer had to do a double take while being parked near by. It was officer Lard Ass who could not believe what he just saw while munching down his honey glazed stuffed donut, a man riding a lawnmower pulled into a drive-thru in his underwear. 

Out of all places....

The officers waited till the man completed his order as a gesture, and then proceeded to chase him down twenty highway. Other cars honked their horns and cheered on police as the lawn mower went slower than your traditional bus sized scooter. The officer in the passenger seat took out his gun and shot the back wheel of the riding lawnmower. The riding lawnmower did a 360 degree spin and went into a ditch. Police drew out their weapons and told the man to turn off their lawnmower or be shot and killed. The man complied while being tazed. The officers only paused when the man stopped moving for five minutes. 

Gary Ranger from Shitsville is charged with one count of operating a dangerous Craftsman lawnmower while high, and disturbing a police officer at a donut shop.

He is scheduled in court 5 years from now.

In other news, gas lawnmowers will be banned in favour of solar powered ones. Good luck starting that one.

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