Massive House Explosion In Hammer Time Due To Gas Leak

Neighbors say explosion was bigger than in the movie Independence Day.

It's Okay, Insurance will cover everything...

It's the first of July, no, thankfully that has past. No more sales of illegal fireworks, and no more noises in the middle of the night. However, another kind of bang could be heard last night as a house on the mountain exploded sending shockwaves and knocking down even Big Bertha as neighbors describe it as something out of the movie Independence Day.

Billy The Kid woke up at around eleven at night as he heard a large bang. Dazed and startled, Billy sprung over to the other side of the bed with his water gun drawn waiting for anything to come his way. Confused, he realized it was just one bang and creeped closer to the window and noticed that his neighbor's house was no longer there. We had a small talk with Billy this morning who is still in shock about the whole ordeal. Billy said, "It's not like a UFO beamed up my neighbor's house and took it away, there's just nothing there now but rubble... How could this be.....".

We found out from the fire marshal today that due to mis-installed gas fittings on a pipe, natural gas built up, and a spark ignited and caused the explosion.  Untrained gas technicians who just worked on the house never had proper training, and were not properly licensed by the gas authority. Currently in the province, there is no government oversight enforcing any standards. It's up to everyone to police themselves and be their own MacGyver. The owner of the home was not there at the time as they had problems coming back into the country with Immigration. With the cost of labor in well paid trade jobs these days so high, some are looking to cash in, bid lower and make a few bucks. That means, your Fernando type of guy from the TV series "Two and a half Men" will have plenty of business years to come. If you have any overseas training, or you bribed your way through a trade school in another country, you can easily become a trades person here and nobody will check your qualifications. We expect Dr.Nick from The Simpsons to be a house hold name in the near future!

My name is Fernado. I can fix anything. Starting in your bedroom.

As for the dwelling. Records show that it was sold Five times in the last 8 years, and that it was being rented out each time illegal. With so many people coming and going in the house, neighbors came up with an idea that maybe it was being used as a cheap whore house. Cheap or not, nobody will be able to find out as nothing is left standing and only rubble and soon to be dirt remain...

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More Tents On the Escarpment Than Crappy Tire Can Keep In Stock

It's not a summer sale event at Crappy Tire either.

Camp Caribou 

Going up the mountain nowadays could be a distraction on its own as a large number of tents have taken over the streets. You'd think with all of the people camping out, that they were waiting for a spectacular event, like a new video game console release, or a new iPhone. It's actually even better than that as needles and people that look like they're from the TV Series The Walking Dead are plaguing the area. The smell coming from these tents is also enough to make a skunk feel a little jealous.

One resident came up with an idea that Crappy Tire was having an event sale and someone decided to erect some tents to have a gathering. The only gathering though will be at City Hall this evening to find a solution to the homelessness, and why they choose this area. Police have also been "imported" to the area to disarray all of the tents. A police spokesperson thought about tying to attach pre-cooked Oscar Mayer hot dog wieners to a fishing line to lure some of the homeless from the tent. That way from around the corner, both the homeless person and the hot dog would be pepper sprayed. Sergeant Jackass said it's a type of fishing catch and release program. Catch the homeless and release them back to the tent to start all over again. A great use of tax payers money while intermediately going to the donut shop.

The city is also launching a program to teach the homeless basic etiquette. This includes teaching them how to put their underwear on correctly, and how to properly dispose of needles. The program runs Monday to Friday 1AM to 3AM at Gore Park when the average Joe isn't around, and only the neighborhood bicycle thief is on the prowl.

In other news. Crappy Tire stops selling tents after homeless person suffocated himself in a tent. CEO hopes to sell more BBQ's and kayak's.

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1 Million Dollars Needed to Buy a Home In The Hammer

At least 1 million dollars in dirty monopoly money needed to buy a home these days....

Everywhere you go, houses are going up in price faster than the weekly lottery jackpot. Nobody can afford one, that's unless you're bringing back golden nuggets all the way from Asia. Tourists as they call themselves carry more gold in their pockets than a chipmunk can store in its cheeks. That's impressive for someone wobbling around carrying a little bit of chunky change with them.

Golden Nuggets. Yummy.

The government doesn't care as dirty money is still money. You just have to clean it a little and iron it out on the clothesline. The average Canuckstanian just can't afford a house these days. Even before the government garnishes one fifth of their wages firstly. What's their solution? The government wants people to build themselves mobile tents, that way when police come to bulldoze their way to the donut shop, the homeless, I mean people, can flourish somewhere else and repeat the cycle again.

Almost one quarter of houses are foreign owned, bought using potato chips from casinos. The illegal money used to buy homes is transported via Free Willy across the ocean while a fisherman using broken English lures the trained whale to the port. The whale is rewarded with a lifetime supply of Captain Highliner Fish Sticks. The money is then sanitized using Mr.Clean before entering a designated casino where headbutts are exchanged.

I think Free Willy can retire a happy whale

Is there an end to all of this monopoly money? Hell no as Stone Cold Steve Austin would say. The sky's the limit, and that's the bottom line.

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Hammertime's King and Main Become Two Way Streets. A Colossal in the Making.

Bus Size Scooters No Longer Permitted!

Just when you think anything can happen, well it can. Bus size scooters the size of city buses are no longer permitted on King and Main which use to be one way streets. This means getting your double double at Tim's flying warp speed will be a thing of the past on these two roads; that's if you're driving a scooter. Hammertime's Scooter Community is up in arms by the move which city hall approved today. They say they feel discriminated against because of their size, and said the next time the city has a public forum, they will make sure that their voices will be heard. No doubt they will be seen physically if that's also what they meant.

Main Street Also Known As Scooter Road

We talked with some people on the streets today to get their opinion about the new law. Gary, who is part of the Hell's Angels Scooter Gang told us, "They don't make motorcycles for my size, so I feel left out. No more me going through the drive-thru on main, I'll have to finally go inside." 

Other respected citizens had more positive opinions saying it would be better for businesses and better for the new Light Speed Rail which has been in development for the last 20 years. It's expected to be in use in the next 50 to 100 years, depending on how much tax payer money is wasted. 

Also in the news, Hammertime is experimenting with free gym membership programs for those in need. No longer do you need to tag along with Richard Simmons on the tube. You can apply for your membership at your local welfare office. To qualify you must have never worked a day in your life.

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F TRUDEAU STICKER!!! 

Man Seen Riding A Lawn-Mower In The Middle of The Night At Local Timmies Drivethru

Police were sure as heck seeing a double double this night!

It's the weeeee hours of the night and the Donut Police are on standby as usual looking for something to do other than to waste tax payers money. One officer had to do a double take while being parked near by. It was officer Lard Ass who could not believe what he just saw while munching down his honey glazed stuffed donut, a man riding a lawnmower pulled into a drive-thru in his underwear. 

Out of all places....

The officers waited till the man completed his order as a gesture, and then proceeded to chase him down twenty highway. Other cars honked their horns and cheered on police as the lawn mower went slower than your traditional bus sized scooter. The officer in the passenger seat took out his gun and shot the back wheel of the riding lawnmower. The riding lawnmower did a 360 degree spin and went into a ditch. Police drew out their weapons and told the man to turn off their lawnmower or be shot and killed. The man complied while being tazed. The officers only paused when the man stopped moving for five minutes. 

Gary Ranger from Shitsville is charged with one count of operating a dangerous Craftsman lawnmower while high, and disturbing a police officer at a donut shop.

He is scheduled in court 5 years from now.

In other news, gas lawnmowers will be banned in favour of solar powered ones. Good luck starting that one.

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City plans to build more condos, houses, strip clubs, due to lower development fees

The city of Hammertime unanimously made a decision today to allow more condos, and strip clubs to be built to satisfy community needs.

Pink is more than you think!

Bolshevik Mayor Andrea Lomonosov said in a briefing earlier today that affordable dollar store townhouses are a priority for a thriving city. The city also wants to build affordable condos that reach the heights of Mount Everest. Free public transportation is also on the menu, as are free drug dispensaries at every corner where animals that smell like skunks can be found. The mayor was asked where all of this money is coming from, to which she replied, "We expect everyone to chip in and work for free. After all, sharing is caring". Other Bolshevik leaders like Lenin once said that working together as a team creates a higher yield, so we understand where the message is coming from. This was all made possible by lowering the development fees the city charges developers to build houses. City taxes are expected to go up, but only for home owners who the city considers "rich".

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Residents we spoke with this afternoon are furious that the city would even suggest building more homes when supply just can't keep up with demand. We met up with Ed, who said "Even if you have a head start on the cheetah, the cheetah will always catch up". Wealthy money-laundering residents from neighbouring cities are said to be partly to blame, as they're all flocking to the city in hopes to cash in and further hide their dirty stash. We have no idea what kind of laundry soap they're using, but it must have some kind of colour guard inside.

City planners also said that strip clubs are lacking in the downtown core and hope to revitalise it. Gone are the neon lights, overpriced booze, and girls in 10-inch stilettos. The city said building a new strip club will be part of their new urban planning development in hopes of attracting overseas tourists. A city councillor who was asked to remain anonymous was opposed to a Red Light District in the downtown core, but said the local homeless residents would be mistaken for The Walking Dead cosplay fans.

In other news, scooters the width of buses appeared on the streets causing drivers to shake their heads. 500 opioid overdoses were reported this week. That's down from 500 a few days ago. We'll have more on that when more deaths happen.

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