Annual Scooter Marathon Race Maybe Cancelled Due COVID and Poor Road Conditions.

Get outta of my way, there's a buffet coming through

It's the annual scooter whale marathon where scooters of all sizes race down at 10kmph downtown Hammer-time to see who will make it to the Burger finish line. 

However, city officials are thinking about making last minute Roll Up The Rim changes to cancel the event all in the sake of humanity and COVID-19.

Jimmy, a predominant obese person says he can't run or walk properly so he takes a scooter everywhere. He thought of an idea to join the scooter marathon with other obese and drug addicted individuals by means of a challenge. However, last year's marathon saw several large earthquake like cracks in the road that only King Kong or Godzilla could make by stomping their feet up and down.

Road Engineer John Crack said the cracks in the road are worse than potholes. He also stated if that if a scooter went over such cracks, it would send the person flying in the air. However given the weight of the person on the scooter, the person would only land a few centimetres forward making it in the Guinness Book of World Records.

With all of that extra weight on the road, it puts a strain on which it is not designed for. Only highway type roads with extra reinforcements can withstand such abuse on a daily basis.

Road damage due to scooters

Members of the scooter community are upset that scooters of their size are creating dents not even a T-Rex could make. 

The city has will decide next Tuesday whether the marathon will continue. The city will take into consideration the number of masks and oxygen tanks needed to sustain such a large and I mean large marathon needed - no pun intended. The marathon is sponsored by ALL-U-CAN-EAT-BUFFETS, and Weight Watches.

Have you taken part in the scooter marathon before? Please send photos, if physically possible to the Hammer-Time news paper.

Next in news, how the citizens of Hammer-time got vaccinated and started laughing uncontrollable. It's no laughing matter, especially when a clown is in power.....

Hammer Time police seize over 200 Water Guns - It's a bust that sure will make you wet.

An outdated photo of the water gun collection police seized.

In breaking news, the Hammer-Time police have seized over 200 fully loaded water guns on the weekend in Operation Super Soaker in the latest onset of shootings in the city.

It was a Saturday Morning when most of us are still sleeping, a loud bang could be heard from across the street. It was the Donut Swat Team preparing to make another hostile donut takedown. Their guns were drawn, tear gas ready to be launched. Police opened the garage of the estranged address and found over 200 non-lethal water guns. 

Timmy a little boy who owns the guns was crying that police were putting all of his water guns in containers all marked and labelled for evidence. All of this was happening when gun shots could be heard from local nearby gangs. The donut Swat Team ignored such noises as they knew they didn't have enough donuts with them for backup. Timmy's parents were outraged of why the donut squad would target them.

DET. Strawberry Shortcake said that he believes the sale of water guns in local stores are the result of mayhem that has been plaguing the city in recent times. 

It all started when a neighbour complained about a water gun fight the kids were having in the neighbourhood. Constipated Constable Derek Moonshine observed kids having fun from a distance while they were spraying each other with filtered city water. Under Soviet Canukstan law this would be a simple assault case, but the policer office wanted to find out how many soaked bodies would fill the lawn so a report could be made to the TV series CSI.

After a lengthy investigation, assigned to the case Detective Strawberry Shortcake said the water guns must have had the same calibre as a real hand gun. The report stated the thickness of the spout determines the result of impact. The police department believes that if we remove all water guns, the gun violence will come to a halt.

Local party leader Andrea Horseradish said at Six Flags Queens Park, water guns need to be banned, and more basketball courts need to be built. She says the public needs to be educated about water guns, and hand guns as they're the same thing. She also blasted with her farts, legally owned hunting gun owners saying they should ashamed of themselves for wanting to protect their property.

In other news, the federal government is going after laser tag. What next, the game mouse trap? Tag? Scrabble? If only Skippy knew himself how to play.

Man Who Made Homemade COVID Vaccine Turns into The Hulk

Vaccination Beta Testing Phase

Originally posted from the Hammertime Chronic Newspaper. Used without permission....
It's something out of a Marvel Movie, or so it may seem. A Hammer-Time man in his 40's injected himself with home made spinach, green giant sweet peas, and other stuff all in the name of finding the next COVID-19 cure.

Gary Holmes of Hammertime was just an ordinary man, like Chris Evans in the movie Captain America. He had a little muscle, and and a lot of ambition. He was sick and tired of lock-down orders from the likes of Duggie The Wild Behemoth Whale invading BBQ restaurants and stealing their baby back rips. Gary did the unthinkable not even Dr.jekyll would think of and created his own vaccine. He found a used needle in the back alley way, and cleaned it up since all of the needles were sold out of every Hammer Time drug store. Gary saved the needle for later use, but was surprized of how many needles junkies use. 

** A quick note, junkies, or druggies, whatever you want to call them make the Walking Dead look like angels. 

Gary was working on the formula for weeks, trying to perfect it so it wouldn't cause blood clots. His formula included Russian Vodka, Green Peas, spinach in a liquid form. His first test made his eyes blood shot, and his hair was changing colour. His pants were ripping, not because they were worn out, but because he noticed his muscles getting bigger. His urine even changed green.

It can be used in anything and for everything

When he went outside, he noticed more looks and stares from the opposite sex, even though Gary has never had a girlfriend, and seems to be more interested in the next Marvel Universe movie. Gary said he now had a thing for dogs, but we're not going there. It didn't bother him that people looked at him strangely. He was obsessed with everything green. French frog legs, broccoli, and he started adding those in his recipe. His friend works as a microbiologist and suggested to add dead cells to the mix. His friend wouldn't say where those dead cells came from or what they would do. 

Gary said in an interview "I created this vaccine for myself to end this lock-down. No more, means No more". He also stated "They will have to shoot me to stop me".

One day while getting up for work, Gary did not wear his 3 ply toilet paper mask outside. He said he didn't need it. He said he woke up powerful. He went on the bus with no mask, and feuded with the bus driver. Gary picked him up and threw him across the street and said today I'm driving. The people cheered with joy and thought it was some sort of act,  and they threw off their mask. Gary started handing out his new COVID-19 vaccine, and people started self-injecting themselves with their own needles. Presumably because they too are drug addicts. 

The mayor of Hammer-Time issued out a statement after they heard of a green man peacefully handing out this new non-FDA approved vaccine to others on the bus. The city said they would take swift action against the the culprit because pharmaceutical companies weren't getting their own cut, and mayor said this has nothing to do with his own family run business.

Gary now doesn't need a mask, or doesn't need to use the bus since he's faster than all means of transportations. The Premiere of Onstario could not be reached for comment because Doctors were trying to remove a spare rib bone from the Premiere's throat. 

Is this the end of COVID-19? Could it be a non-government approved drug can save the day, or this for a sequel of 2008's The Hulk movie... We'll find out in the coming months.

For questions or comments, please leave a comment below. If you're looking for this vaccine, please remember, only government officials are allowed to get it currently, as normal people aren't people enough to get it.

Dizney Says The Swedish Chef is Now offensive, and Dr. Seuss Is Even More Offensive.

In the days of political corrrrectness, everything must be deemed a soviet neutral way, or be careful, the guys with long barrel guns straight out of a WW2 movie will be visiting you.

The Swedish chef, known for his master class lessons on Swedish meatballs and hot spicy sauce, can make a person laugh when playing tennis with round bouncy pieces of meat. When you have steam coming out of your ears, you know it's good enough to make again.

BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK

However, his portrayal of being stupid, and reckless has questioned if it's linked to Swedish people. After all, he is known as the Swedish Chef. Dizney wants to remove all stereotypes from everything they produce, even a dumbed down Swedish Chef.

Take for example IKEA. They proudly serve Swedish meatballs in its cardboard quality stores, but, this does not mean that all swede's from IKEA like the taste of them, or just don't eat them everyday. 

Dizney respects the cult of offensiveness, and has bowed down to sheeps of madness. The president of Dizney said in an interview "We respect everyone, and we know that damn sure, not all Sweds eat meatballs, and not all Italians love Pizza. If we need to remove everything from our library, will burn it first, and make sure no-one can use it again"

In other news, Nintendoh is thinking about changing the representation of Mario and Luigi not as Italian plumbers, but as caregivers from a mental hospital. Their voices will also be changed to represent hard-working pathetic individuals. 

Oh, and about Dr.Seuss books... They're going away too. The publisher will hide those books faster than Atari got rid of those E.T cartridges if you remember that story. It's all about thinking for us isn't it...

Please look at the T-shirt collection below. Those Trudeau shirts aren't banned yet. Maybe if they were books. Just maybe....

T-Shirt, Cups, Sticker Store

New Green Label On Products To Indicate Products made By E.T

It's just food coloring... Or is it.

Inclusiveness is a big issue in department stores and grocery markets. The next time you buy a bottle of Vodka from the store, you should look for the 'MADE IN RUSSIA' label on it. After all, buying vodka from another country wouldn't be the same. Only Russian made Vodka has that quick-get-drunk-fast effect. Every comrade wants to get their money's worth while supporting the state Kremlin budget.

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Stores through-out Soviet Canukstan are rolling out a joint venture to make sure unrepresented groups such as those from the planet Melmec, or others featured in the movie Independence Day have an equal opportunity because somehow they feel some how discriminated against. E.T and I mean the movie, was hidden from people because nobody would know how people will re-act if they saw a brown ugly Extra Terrestrial up-close and in person. 

Green colours will be issued to food labels such as bread, cola, and extra green Mountain Dew made by people from the E.T community. Bread will have an extra glow to them, and will not in anyway be affected by radio active material. The company or the E.T people behind such products say they only want to give humans what they deserve.

You can take just 1 bottle.

Others are looking forward to buying labels with green labels on them because they somehow to want to support everyone fairly. A store shopper by the name of Jeff said he only supports products made with dirty hands. He said it gives the food more texture and doesn't care if the person who made it has something like tuberculosis. Jeff sent us an E-mail saying he's looking forward to these new green label products and would feel even more special if they were endorsed by the Green Karl Marx Party of Canukstan.

However, not everyone is convinced that these products are safe to consume. Some have seen these  products light up through the windows at night enough to put a poltergeist to shame. One person think it's from the creators of The Real Ghost Buster new green Twinkies. These sweet snacks have a special green cream inside not made from ectoplasm of course.

What do you guys think.... Do you think certain food manufactures should have special colours to represent who made them. For example E.T or perhaps BigFoot. Leave your comments below.

Don't forget all of those juicy Trudeau memorabilia below

Trudope T-Shirts, Hall of Shame Crap

Police and City Install Security Cameras in the nighbourhoods To See If COVID Curfew laws are broken.

It's something out of a Simpsons episode where local law enforcement are spying on their own citizens. Now in the city, cameras are being erected faster than a porn star getting an instant stiffy. 

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As the curfew is in place for no-one is allowed out of their homes after 8pm, Hammertime police have resorted to the unthinkable. There will be a total of 20 cameras installed on each block for every neighbourhood covering a variety of axis points with no dead spots. Extra attention on the donut shops will be observed as no-one is allowed to enter passed 8PM. This includes the drive-thru window. Anyone seen is to alert the Donut Swat Team and a donut hostile takedown should be performed. Any donuts dropped in the process will be eaten before documented.  

The new camera's A.I can tell the difference between a human putting trash out or the neighbourhood's raccoon rummaging through the trash. Hypothetically If you try to stop the racoon after 8PM during the process, the camera will alert police and you may be fined or arrested. The raccoon however will be rewarded with a doggie biscuit. 

We talked to some residents where the new cameras are being setup, and some people are quite angry this is happening in their own backyard. A man by the name of Bob hopes the cameras don't see him in his backyard in the future as he likes to sun bathe nude. He said “I'm glad it's the middle of winter. Who wants to see my sun baked ass on the police cameras.”

Donut shops will have more protection than Buckingham Palace

The head of police said the cameras can follow people only when necessary, but rarely and only if it's a hot looking girl in a purple mini skirt. Only then are the cameras set to auto pilot. If an infraction is observed, police will follow up with a knock on door visit. If no-one is home or no-one answers, police will kick down the door and help themselves to a plate of lasagne. 

The pandemic has lasted almost 1 years, but it seems like an eternity. Some experts say you'll have to watch the TV Series Highlander and have some faith as it seems like only the immortal will outlast this pandemic.

A special announcement from our sponsor. Please click on the right hand side to see some of the amazing merchandise the site has to offer. Remember, Little Potato enjoys all of the attention he can get. 

The City's Homeless Start To Occupy During Covid

I'm loving it

 

It's the wee hours of the night. The stench in the air gets even more stinky; the homeless notice something different, there's no-one around. The businesses have all vanished. A For Rent sign hangs in the window as the moon shines on it. Not even a whisper can be heard, just a stray bone from a BBQ Rib can be seen. Maybe that bone is from the last BBQ the premiere shut down.....

Businesses now in the Hammer are officially closed. This is the second lock-down in history, with no solution in sight. The local donut shop is still open since it's officially declared an essential service from the Hammer Time Police Department. Not so much for local businesses. 

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For those Brave Hart souls who still want to defy old soviet city lock-down rules, fines can now reach 1 million dollars. That's without encore for this weeks lucky lotto 7 numbers. Remember they're no losers, just winners. Business owners can also face a jail term of 6 months with daily interrogations of what they think their best BBQ sauce is. All intel goes to the Lard Premiere of Onstario. 

The homeless now have started to take advantage of the pandemic, and are moving into premises like restaurants. The fryers turn on, ready to make French Fries. One homeless person goes into the freezer to grab a bag of fries, while another analyses the rancid oil.

Another group of homeless set up shop in a electronics store called Best Electronics. One person turns on a brand new 20K resolution television. His nose touches the screen while watching the Playboy channel. Another homeless person tells him to move back to see some skin. Another person finds a bunch of walkie-talkies. He tries talking into them with to no avail. They have no idea of how to use them.

I wonder if the ATM works

The group now fixated back on the television, try to look for some chairs and popcorn. Popcorn is in the super-market next door, so two people take a non-working walkie-talkie and head on over next door. They find a bunch of non-microwavable already prepared popcorn in plastic bags. They take it pass the checkout as if they forgot to pay, and return back to the gang of homeless in the electronics store.

Back in the store, a chair was found, pop-corn is being shared, and TV shows are being watched. The homeless have taken over. The mayor, Fred Penner is up in arms still over that casket someone brought to his house. He gives the Trudope shrug, and has nothing else to say.

How long will this go on for. Is this a s0ros creation, or is the beginning of the Twilight zone. As long as chicken wings will be in-stock, and T-Bone steaks available, the premiere will not be worried another day more.

Find out, so stay tuned.

New COVID-19 Drug Turns People into The Walking Dead.

Just temporary side effects

Do you feel like a zombie at times? Do you go out late at night in Pyjamas looking to eat some brains? Now you don't have to watch your favourite zombie movie to see it in reality.

It's true you'll see some people at all hours of the day in Hammer Town walking around dazed in confusion, smelling like yesterday's garbage, and looking for their next quick fix, but these people are as harmless as that yappy French Poodle... All bark and no bite. We can thank the Cuckoo Cuckoo House for providing these people with their happy meal injections.

With the latest COVID-19 drugs being released and tested to the public like field mice eating rat poison, some people are experiencing some unusual side effects.

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One man by the name of Bob said he started to feel stronger. His skin was turning green like the Incredible Hulk, and could no longer fit in his work shirt. He said he first noticed when young ladies were starring at him constantly. In an interview Bob said, "I thought they were looking at me for me, for a moment there, but then when I looked in the mirror, I kinda thought I could be in a Marvel movie. I felt powerful, and even after eating Christmas dinner alone with my dog, I didn't gain any weight. Only my dog did"

Is the cuckoo cuckoo house real, or just an imagination?

The new COVID-19 drug does list some side effects on its website. It includes drowsiness, sleep walking, changes in skin colour, and decaying flesh. The ingredients of the new drug include but not limited to, chicken stock, onions, garlic, worcestershire sauce, Vitamin D, and Facecookie Messenger. In a press release, Mark ZuckyBurger said he fully supports his app embedded in new technological drugs that way people will know when they get a new message.

The health minister issued a statement and told people that if they see people who look like zombies on the street not to run them down as they would be charged with murdering a zombie, I mean person. The government is very frustrated with the scarce supply of the new drug as the Prime Rib Roast of Canada has all seasons of the Walking Dead on DVD and a collector's Bluray edition in his den.

If you have seen people acting strangely, or looking at you finger lickin good, please leave a comment below quick enough to get out of the way to safety. We will report new findings as the death toll continues to raise....