Annual Donut Fight Kicks Off Thru The Timmies DriveThru

I'm on a diet. It's the high intake one...

It's a slobber knocker as they call it as The Hammer's famous Donut shop gets ready for the annual Donut Fighting Contest. They're no rules, except you cannot bring your own hockey sticks with you. Eh.

10AM passes as Sergeant Steve Blow gets ready to go through the drive-thru window every morning for the past 10 years as he is too lazy to get out of his patrol vehicle and go into the shop by himself. That would initiate his gun to be withdrawn and fire off a few rounds. It's all show folks as they the police force like to say.

"Double Double Double please, with extra extra cream", for the 300 pounds police officer. He reaches slightly in the drive thru window to get his coffee and one lightly glazed dount for now.... A bulging sound is heard as his seat belt expands and stretches to maximum elasticity. "Thank You Very Much", says the Police Officer. Just as about he is about to put the rented Police car into full throttle, a donut traveling 35km with cinnamon coming off it's sides hits the officer straight in his face in a spiral direction. The officer who  managed to catch it in his mouth grabs some 4 day old donuts under a bag of clothes and shoots one back thru the window hitting the assailant straight in the head knocking them out cold. "Great Shot", said the drive-thru menu taker. Call the paramedics said the officer, it's a cover up.

And things were just so peaceful moments ago...

Bob, a senior citizen grabs a donut from his box, and aims it directly towards an oncoming scooter going 5kM per hour. "Direct Hit", said Bob who is suffering from degenerate bone loss. The scooter managed to swirl but landed on it's side knocking down the 240 pound man off of the scooter. 

Miss Whiskey who had just received her welfare cheque bought a box of Timmiebits, had launched 20 in a home made like cannon. Firing off rounds at a time. Participants described her as "Rambo with Donuts".

Fresh Donuts Prepared for the Annual Donut Fight

City Counselor Sam Moonshine described the event as enriching, and to let the steam out of people. "After all, we'd rather have people shoot donuts than with real guns. This isn't Baron Street you know", said the counselor.

So who pays for all of the wasted donuts if you might wonder? Spokesperson for Timmies Tim White said that with minimum wage going up due to Kathleen Wynnn's doing, why not spend the extra money on donuts as well? It does good for the community, and all of the donations will go to The Baron Street Jail. What will the jail do with the money? Probably use it to buy drugs for inmates who then resell it back to the public. It's a win win situation said Tim White. We say you can say that again Tim!

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Man in The Hammer Wants Higher Electricity Rates - His Neighbor Luigi Think He's Nuts

We're gearing up for the annual donut food fight contest in the Hammer Town which will happen in a few weeks. Stay tuned for more information and find out which undercover police officer will show up. On duty of course.

I pay for high hydro rates, do you?

Mike Boxers has a clear message for everyone. He wants to pay more money for electricity because he feels people aren't paying enough. The 42 year old plumber with a 4 inch crack when fixing toilets bent over says he makes enough money to pay for electricity and doesn't understand why people are complaining about the extremely low prices. "You know it costs so much money to run those big turbines, and Niagara falls must cost a lot of money to operate daily, I think electricity is a luxury", said the Hammer Time man. A little history about Mike is that he has a severe debt problems with two financial intuitions, and has declared bankruptcy at least once. He also forgot to file his tax returns last year, and says that doesn't bother him. That money he owes will go towards his $230 dollar hydro bill every month.

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Hydro rates in the Hammer have steadily increased every year with HydroNone being the main supplier. The 2nd, the neighborhood hamster on a treadmill. People don't understand why this is happening after all, electricity has never changed since it was first discovered by Benjamin Franklin. Mr.Franklin would of probably electrocuted himself after find out what Canadians are paying in 2017.

The person responsible for this is Orville-Redenbacher's look alike sister. Members in the community have referred to her as the wicked witch of the Power Plant. For her mistakes over the years she has promised to lower electricity rates, and change minimal wages to $15 per hour. Forcing companies to hire less workers, and to replace those with outsourcing government programs like the work and travel program.

Watch movies in the dark, you can't afford hydro

Other people in the Hammer have voiced their opinion at city hall. Luigi from Milan Italy has been in Canada for less than a year and referred to the hydro rates as extortion from something higher above than the Mafia. Luigi says at least with the mafia they come with baseball bats, with these guys you get an envelope every month with higher rates. They give you no warning what-so-ever. If you don't pay, they shut off your electricity. That's worse than murder.

Luigi called Mr.Boxers a fool, and a selfish man. Luigi says a lot of people can't decide whether to buy food or pay their electricity bill. He said at least in Italy, you can make your own garden. Here you have some ****head who can make one complaint to the city, and they can shut you down faster than a Windows 95 shut down on a fresh install.

** NOTE: The city has started spying on residents using Google Maps to see if they have altered their property without a permit. If they find a violation two Avro Lancaster bomber's can drop a bomb using pinpoint location at any moment.