Premiere of Onstario takes over BBQ Restaurant in Hammer Town. Wants to be the next BBQ Zilla

Where is my BBQ

The Prime Rib Roast Premiere of Onstario, has his eyes set on another BBQ joint takeover. The Premiere has already taken over his first BBQ place not too long ago in Tornato.

Duggie the behemoth Premiere whale said to reporters that having a BBQ restaurant opened during COVID-19 is a risk to his waist-line. "What if all the BBQ places run out of food. Where will I eat", said the Premiere. He goes on to say, "If I can take over every BBQ joint, I can control what comes in, and what comes out... Even without Metamucil."

More and More businesses closing

The premiere also stated if he can't enjoy BBQ, nobody can. He also went on a vicious speech about being able to marinate his ribs how he wants it with Dug's special BBQ sauce inherited by his hillbilly Uncle. An escaped convict who use to run his own sticker business.

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Wearing a mask is essential inside any business, even a BBQ joint. Getting BBQ sauce on your white mask and turning it red is just half the fun the kids would enjoy. The premiere was seen without a mask this week because he said no mask could no-longer fit him. After seeing him come out of his newly taken-over BBQ joint, the premiere gained 20 pounds. He says he's trying to get his hands on the same masks they used for the HBO Chernobyl Movie.

Last month, police and members from the BBQ Vice Squad took down the owner of a famous BBQ Ribs Restaurant. No pigs were seized during the raid, and the owner was charged with running a business without inviting the Premiere to an all you can eat buffet.

In local news, the Mayor of Hammer Time Town said someone left a coffin near his residence. The mayor inspected it and said it's too small for him, and left a note on the top. So far, Public Works is debating if it can be recycled.

Police now give permission to spy on your neighbours bedroom window. All in the name of good health.

Nice racks on that BBQ

Imagine using the Hubble space scope to spy on your neighbour's window. Well, imagining won't be a dream now since police are giving the public permission to spy on their neighbour's bedroom window to see if they're too many occupants in the home at once.

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Police, and health officials say health and safety are top priority, so is voyeurism now. Health officials have repeatedly stated to stop COVID-19, you must stay at home, and watch Home Alone for the 100th time. By the 99th time, you'll be able to repeat every actor's line backwards. You'll know exactly when the iron hits Marv in the the face even when if you're not watching the screen and with the volume muted.

Meanwhile Douggie the behemoth premiere of Onstario has just ventured into the BBQ business by illegally taking over a restaurant since the new lockdown in Tornato and surrounding areas. The prime-rib roast premiere has stated he's just accumulating extra fat for hibernation this winter.

The premiere could use a diet.

Citizens have waged their concerns about an increase of Peeping Toms, and how it's going to create a new atmosphere of voyeurism. A woman told us it will be hard for her to dress in the window half naked. She said doesn't understand why people would even look at her window when there's nothing really there. Now with telescopes pointed at her bedroom, they'll be able to actually see something.  She's now thinking about opening her own online website with a members only section.Currently during this winter lockdown only 10 people can be indoors at any given time, and 25 for outdoors. Police are suppose to take complaints seriously with swift multi-million dollar fines when these rules are broken. Police are now given reference manuals from the Soviet Union on how to deal with offenders. Should they be taken to the back of the building and be shot, or be made to beg for forgiveness and mercy. Only the prime minister with slick hair and good looking socks will be able to comment on this.

Officer Fat Mustard of the Hammer-time police stated in a press conference this afternoon as long as the donut box is half full in the station, will just remember complaints in our head, and hopefully not forget about the last donut in the box. 'Look, we're not just going to barge into people's home when they're doing the hanky panky thing just to see if they're more than 10 people in the house. Will make sure our telescope pointed at the bedroom window first and record everything from outside', said officer Fat Tard. We want to get all of the raunchy details before we continue further. The officer declined to comment on why there is a duplicate copy of every recording.

Neighbours from all over are setting their telescopes at their neighbour's window just to see if they can phone police. Can they count up to 10 people, even if it's the same person going back and forth, or do the neighbours want to be the Grinch of Christmas. Everyone has their eyes on each, other. There's more eyes looking at you more than North Korea currently looking at their own citizens.

Will you enjoy your Turkey dinner alone this Christmas... Or will there will be someone watching you..... in the window....

Man thinks UFO'S are behind COVID-19, not his addiction for Mushrooms.

A man in the Hammer thinks Aliens or ALF like people are behind what appears to be this COVID-19 epidemic. Jacob Wilcosly, or better know as, Mr.X-Files thinks Aliens are are spreading COVID-19 through wireless wi-fi signals and through the new 5G network. He says as soon as you connect to a WI-FI network, you're already infected. He has said that he became infected after downloading the latest X-files season via a torrent. His symptoms include pain in the derriere, shortness of breath, and a obsession with the TV series Falling Skies. The series which was filmed years ago in the Hammer and was produced by Steven Spielberg. Jacob was kicked off the set after trying to stab an Alien prop. He was not charged as his doctors say he suffers from schizophrenia after a battle with the mushrooms.

Jacob's Doctor, Dr.Nick has asked him if he has any association with any sexual niche communities. Dr.Nick said "When I asked him these questions, he just turned away and refused to acknowledge anything. We have seen this many times when someone just doesn't want to come forward with what they have been up to. You can go into the closet, but it's hard to come out."

As for Dr.Nick's thoughts on Aliens. "It's pretty much crazy to think Aliens exist. I don't care if you've watched the 30th anniversary of E.T, Aliens do not exist. With all of the drugs going around the city, I am surprised people don't think The Walking Dead is real", said Dr.Nick.

One city counselor wants to divert 1 million dollars from a new Light Rail Transit fund to study U.F.O's and anal probe effects on the buttocks. 

We reached out the local police branch for their comment. This is what they had to say, "I'll believe in Aliens when donuts fly".

.... in other news Timmies is trying out a new flying donut making machine.

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Drug Business Declared Essential Service Says One Hammertime Man

Spooky Joint

It's 4AM. Most people are asleep by this time, but not one Hammertime man drug dealer. Will call this person Jake since he fears retaliation from the Hammertime police...

They Vice City unit hasn't been getting their cut as of late since no-more than 5 druggies at a time can be in the same location. This means less business for the police force.

Jake peddles on his Bike like some character from Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. Always watching his back since there's always someone out to get you, or an unpaid debt that didn't get cleared... You know, people do forget. When the city closed down all non-essential businesses because of COVID-19, Jake was confused. He knew the citizens of Hammertime needed their fix. It's an essential fix. Not like a Windows update fix, but a druggie fix. He questioned himself, 'am I an essential service'.... He also says if he doesn't supply people with drugs, that the city could turn into a Walking Dead TV Series. He also goes on to say people need him. It's like water, you need it to survive.

The city now wants to give drug dealers on wheels the same rights as essential businesses as they're now the first respondents to a drug fix. Can you imagine someone shaking in convulsions, not getting their daily and dying. We will be loosing druggies. Druggies help stimulate the underground world.... Prostitutes are also loosing out on work since they can't serve their usual clientele at downtown city hall.

The city plans to have a vote next week. If approved, we can see drugs be the driving force to pay for our city taxes. After all, druggies need a city license too, which costs 500 smackaroos a year. 

Thousands of people are already out of work because they have been laid off.  Non essential businesses can be fined millions of dollars if they're deemed running. Canadians are told to wait for green flashing lights when and if they're to return to work. City workers are still being fed like pussy cats. 

Will reach out to the city later in the day if they have any further comment. For the time being stay safe, and chew your Kraft Dinner slowly.

Bon Appetit

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