One Man in The Hammer Believes Carbon Tax Is The Way To Go

Harvey Bull, short for Bullkrap, has lived in the Hammer for most of his life. Since becoming an organic buff two years ago, Harvey has decided to go green.

"I take the bus all the time, and believe the only way to get people to use the bus is to increase gasoline prices. People are genetically lazy, and need to do more to save the environment because of global warming" said Harvey. 

Harvey has started a new community called "The Environmentally Safe Carbon Free World" in hopes to educate people to consume less, and to spend more on organizations which preach the same.

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Some key things that Harvey recommends it get your beloved animal to make energy for you. He says he has a hamster on a wheel, that when it spins, generates enough electricity to charge his phone.  He is also investing over $100,000 of his own money on solar panels and a mini-windmill. Enough to turn on his refrigerator in the day-time, but not at night. 

Harvey's animal saves the world.....

When he uses his treadmill, it powers on his television. When he gets off of it, the TV turns off too. If everyone wants to watch TV, someone has to do some exercises. Harvey has saved a whopping $5 off of his electricity bill, but in two weeks his bill will go up by double, even though he isn't using much. He congratulated the Liberal government on making people think twice before they consume.
Every summer it gets hot, every winter it gets cold. The cycle continues every year. Harvey thinks that one day we will see temperatures of minus 30, and things will start melting like ice-cream. He saw it on a X-Men cartoon episode.

I look cute.. no?

Even the Hammer police have done their fair to cut back on emissions. Instead of going thru the Timmie's Drive thru by car, Police are now ordered to park their car, and to go to the Drive-Thru on foot. Police on bicycles are exempt from this new rule.

When preparing food Harvey has said BBQ's should be banned from outside use. He said they give off as much carbon, as a big coal plant! Harvey does not cook meat, because he doesn't eat meat at all. He is a vegan and grows his own vegetables in his backyard. Although rabbits help themselves from time to time, even destroying a few crops. He says he won't do anything about it because it's mother nature's way of thinking for me. His Italian neighbor thinks otherwise, and put twenty mines in the field hoping the little bastard will step on it one day. That is the rabbit, and not Harvey.

Harvey hopes to be a role-model for his city and encourages taxes such as carbon tax to detour people and will think if they want to use high-luxury commodities like oil. After all, Harvey doesn't even use plastic shopping bags when grocery shopping!

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Man with clean-o-phobic disorder wins Human Rights Tribunal Case - The First in A Millennium

John's steakhouse is a top-notch steak house delivering the finest G-bone steaks only a man would want to buy. With their superb cleanliness, friendly environment, red carpet, bend over and will kiss your butt attitude, what else could go wrong?

In April of this year, a Human Rights Tribunal In the Hammer awarded a man $100,000 dollars. The plaintiff was a customer by the name of B.J, did not have his request made because of his cleanophobic compulsive disorder. Judge Oliver Clothesoff ruled that the restaurant failed to comply with a basic request on behalf of the plaintiff which simply meant for the staff providing and making the food not to wash their hands. The owner of the restaurant made a statement saying that chefs and staff have to be clean at all times. "We don't want to risk of having our customers sick. If we get them sick like with e coli, that would get us in trouble with the health and safety department", said the owner.

The plaintiff  went to great lengths to see who came in and out of the restroom, if it was a customer, or a staff member. He even tried to follow one of the staff to the back where it clearly says "authorized personnel only", just to see if they were making his food.

What would the Swedish chef say?

When his food was served, the plaintiff asked the waiter when was the last time he washed his hands. The waiter replied "five minutes ago". The plaintiff got up furiously, and shoved the plate straight back to the waiter, and demanded new food with dirty hands. 

Twenty minutes later the waiter came back this time with smelly fingers. Other customers looked on covering their noses. The plaintiff then asked the waiter if the person who prepared the food had just washed his hands? The waiter replied "Yes, of course". The plaintiff then stormed of the restaurant warning other patrons not to wash their hands again!!

Don't tease the sleaze!

The owner admitted that they have a bad order spray to get patrons to leave if they stay too long. This is only done in severe situations when there is a high volume of customers. The owner sprayed the spray on the waiter's hands and fingers so they would smell like something from the toilet. 

The court argued that the smell itself was not enough to detour customers because the defendant said nobody else had left the restaurant. Therefor, with such a mild nuisance, the plaintiff failed to provide adequate means of service in which the plaintiff had requested.

Now the owner is looking to the future and hiring staff who pick their nose and scratch their ass in the kitchen area. "I am specifically looking for people who are unhygienic during the interview process", said the owner of the steak house. "If I see them do some pretty bad things like floss their teeth while waiting, I hire them on the spot", he said. 

As for the health department, Judge Oliver Clothesoff made a special ruling that the health department cannot discriminate against a restaurant to provide necessary needs as an establishment which does not break Human Right Laws. The judge further commented that we need more work, so he expects more cases to the brought up before the courts.

The steakhouse will appeal the ruling coming up next month

Grow-Up raid turns out to be an oregano inside farm

A quiet neighborhood with snow on the roofs.

Cathy Butcher is just an average resident of Finney Street. During the winter, she sometimes hires a contractor to remove her snow if it's too much for her and her husband who is on disability. One thing that kept Cathy wondering was why one house always had little to know snow on their roof. She said "All of the other houses have a lot of snow on their roof, which makes sense after a heavy snowfall. This house I see has not even an icicle. I wonder what they do in the summer time, fry bacon on the roof, or put a patio up on their roof while sipping on their Timmies?"

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The mystery is now over after the Vice City Unit raided the complex after residents like Cathy started complaining about the strong smell from their neighbors. Police found 20 oregano plants inside, a street value worth of over $50. All plants were photographed, tagged, and brought in, however no charges have been laid yet. Police Chief Mike Crotch said "Unfortunately with our limited budget, we were hoping that this bust would pay for some of the expenses. We spent over 1 million dollars on thermal visioning, patrolling the neighborhoods hoping the catch more grow-ups. Illegal ones that is"

Police raid the suspected grow-up

Residents are now angry after finding out the reckless spending of the city for needless equipment purchases. This comes to light after news the city was installing a water slide on top of the escarpment. 

One resident even thought about knocking on the door and asking if he was making spaghetti... The resident who did not want to be named thought about bringing a plate with him in return for a 6-pack of beer.

The owner of the raided house is short time resident Luigi from Milan Italy. Luigi said he tried putting a garden in his backyard, but rabbits started eating all of his cabbage. He stayed up sleepless nights waiting for rabbits, even buying a stun gun just-in case the rabbit showed up. To no avail, Luigi moved his garden in the basement planting oregano, tomatoes and cucumbers. In a phone interview he said, "I lay down for naps on the grass in the afternoon, the ambulance comes and gives me a $240 fine. I can't take my own snacks to a movie theater, and I can't even grow a fucking garden without being raided. It's just oregano man. Screw this stupid country. Your prime minister looks like a clown too", he said.

Rabbits destroy the garden

This isn't the first time for Police misconduct. Three months ago Police came to the Sundale Retirement Home after a complaint about a man holding up a plastic knife to other residents. The officer who arrived shot him in the chest saying he had just finished watching Police Academy 3 at the station before arriving on scene. Luckily the man who was shot survived after a steel dinner plate was found underneath his sweater.

The Hammer time tried to reach Police for comment, but were told to try after lunch. We tried asking after lunch, and they said to try after dinner. We tried after dinner, and they said try after dessert...

Will have more news once it follows.